I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
