The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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