Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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