Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
