my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
