i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize