Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
you never un-have a 4some
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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