I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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