The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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