____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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