My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
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