I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
