Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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