I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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