well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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