he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
