He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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