Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize