My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
