Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
