this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
