Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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