About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize