i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
