they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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