Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
