sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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