just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
