my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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