My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
