If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
