He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
