He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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