She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
