hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
