Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
