she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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