Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
