I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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