Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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