I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
