I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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