She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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