The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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