did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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