It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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