did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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