So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
