Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
