FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
there is glitter all over my balls
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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