The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
