I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize