ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
