well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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