Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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