Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
