Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
