i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
