i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
