I want to make a zoo with you.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
