did you get engaged???
smell my finger.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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