did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
