How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
