The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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