Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize