Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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